The Letter She Never Meant to Send
by babydykecate
Summary: Femslash. Malex. Marissa regrets losing Alex, so she writes her a letter she never intends on sending. But one day when she's distraught and reminiscing on the first time they made love, she ends up posting the letter.


**Prompt: **The O.C., Alex/Marissa, alcohol, drunk driver, coma, letter, love for oxoniensis' porn battle on lj  
**Disclaimers:** I do not own The O.C. or its characters. No profit made, no infringement intended.

* * *

It was the letter she never meant to send. It was just supposed to be her hidden hopes, dreams and apologies on a piece of paper she always kept close to her heart. It wasn't meant to get posted, and find its way into the hands of the girl who still held her heart. But somewhere along the way on her path of her unraveling, she had a moment of weakness. A moment where she wanted that girl to know everything she felt, and to feel less alone.

She flashes back to last time she felt safe and loved. It first time she made love to Alex.

_She stands outside the door knocking, waiting for Alex to answer it. The rain soaks her to the bone, but she could care less. She's so excited to see Alex and tell her the news. She told her mother she's dating Alex. Alex isn't her dirty little secret. She's her girlfriend… and now Summer and her mother both know that. A part of her will always do things to spite her mother, and if being with a girl pisses her mom off- all the better. But you'd be a fool if you believed that Marissa only told her mother for spite. She likes announcing Alex as hers. Telling the world that this beautiful girl wants and loves her. And the more people she tells, the less she feels like she's hiding the best parts of herself. And she gets to show Alex she's serious… that she deserves Alex's heart…_

_Marissa kisses Alex as soon as she opens the door, her slippery lips crashing into Alex's soft dry ones. Marissa's hands cup Alex's jaw, deepening the kiss. Alex's hands slip to Marissa's waist, and pull her against her. For a moment Marissa doesn't know how to breathe. Finally, she has to break away and take a gasp of air. _

"_I told her!" Marissa proclaims proudly to Alex._

"_You told who what?" Alex asks, confused._

"_My mom, about us… I can't believe it, but I did," She tells Alex, with the awe of someone discovering the power of honesty for the first time._

"_You uh… you told her?" Alex questions, shocked._

"_Whoa. I thought you'd be happy…" Marissa replies, trying not to sound disappointed._

"_No I- it just depends…," Alex hurries to explain. "Did you tell her to piss her of?" Alex questions, a little afraid of the answer Marissa might give._

_Marissa walks towards Alex and holds Alex's face between her hands, "Hey look__, __I told her so this could be real," She looks into Alex's eyes as she says,"for __us."_

"_Wow," Alex sighs, surprised and pleased. She smiles, as her heart races. "So...what happens now?" She asks._

"_She's probably having a melt down as we speak… so I mean, I can't __go home…" Marissa says with a laugh, imagining her mother pacing and chanting "lesbian" over and over._

"_So stay here," Alex replies with a smile._

"_Are you sure?" Marissa asks surprised and pleased._

"_Yah," Alex replies eagerly, thrilled with the prospect of Marissa in her bed every night, held close as they sleep. Alex kisses Marissa passionately._

"_But first, lets get you out of these wet clothes," Alex says with a grin. As Alex's tongue teases Marissa's, Alex peels off Marissa's jacket to reveal flushed damp skin. Marissa returns Alex's intensity, surprising her by slipping her hands underneath Alex's yellow 'mischief' shirt. Her fingers graze Alex's tender sides, and Alex shivers and sighs. Marissa moves her hands up to Alex's neck to unwrap the scarf and then starts to tug the shirt over Alex's head. Alex is a little surprised by Marissa's assertiveness, but thoroughly turned on. _

_Alex gets even by quickly stripping Marissa of her tank top and soaked bra. She cups Marissa's breasts in her hands, teasing her hard nipples. Not to be out done, Marissa nips and sucks Alex's neck while she fumbles with her the button on her jeans. Marissa is greatly distracted by Alex's fingers brushing against and squeezing her nipples, but she manages to focus enough to undo the button and slide down the zipper._

_Alex gasps as Marissa's fingers graze the thin cotton of her thong. "Marissa… bed now," she orders, her voice hazy with arousal._

_Marissa grins and follows her to bed. They kiss by edge of the bed as they both shed their jeans, leaving Marissa in just her silk thong, and Alex in her cotton thong and bra. Alex pushes Marissa onto the bed, kissing her neck, and then her breasts. Straddling Marissa, Alex takes one of Marissa's nipples in her mouth and sucks hard. Marissa gasps and moans, her wetness threatening to show though the delicate silk thong. As Alex's mouth moves to Marissa's stomach, Marissa's breathing becomes faster and shallower. Alex's tongue explores lower and lower, until Marissa is despite for release._

"_Alex…" Marissa moans. "Please?"_

_Alex grins, "What do you want me to do, Marissa?"_

_Marissa glares playfully at her for a second. "I want you to… go down on me," she whispers the illicit words to her lover. As Alex's tongue traces the top of Marissa's thong, Marissa groans, "I want you to fuck me, Alex."_

_Alex has never heard anything hotter. She wastes no time in pulling off Marissa's thong and plunging a finger inside her._

_Marissa gasps, her eyes baring her honest reaction to each new sensation to Alex._

"_You're so wet for me," Alex says with a grin as she grinds her finger into Marissa._

_Marissa groans and thrusts her hips, desperate for Alex._

_Alex brings her mouth to Marissa's clit, her hot breath driving Marissa crazy._

_She brings her tongue to Marissa's clit and presses down, causing Marissa to squirm and moan. She sucks on Marissa's clit, tasting her. She adds another finger inside Marissa as she brings her closer and closer to the edge._

_Marissa pants and gasps, her body jerking as it here controlled by the waves of the sea. Alex knows she's close to climaxing. Alex sucks Marissa's clit harder and circles it with her tongue. Her fingers thrust faster and harder._

"_Alex, Alex, ALEX!" Marissa moans and cries as she comes. Alex is sure it's the most amazing sight and sound ever._

_Alex holds Marissa as her breathing returns to normal and her shinning eyes can focus again._

"_Amazing," Marissa whispers with a grin, and Alex grins back widely. Marissa has just pinned Alex, and is about to take off her bra when the door bell rings._

"_Damn it," Marissa groans, pouting slightly._

"_Shh," Alex says with a smile. "I'll answer it. I'll have you back in bed in no time…" She says with a wink._

"_Alright," Marissa replies, releasing her to go get dressed._

_Marissa waits in bed for a few minutes, but if she's one thing she hates, it's waiting. She throws on a robe and goes to find Alex._

"_Hey Alex should I be getting dressed," Marissa asks as she heads toward the living room, "Or are we going back to…" she starts to ask playfully until she sees Seth standing in the living room. "…__bed?"__ She finishes awkwardly. Shit. Damn boys. They ruin everything._

"_Oh -- my – god," Seth stutters._

"_Oh my god," Marissa says, groaning internally. Damn boys and their lesbian fantasies._

The memory was such a happy one, but it stung Marissa with all that she had lost. She was so happy with Alex, and she lost everything.

Drunk and crying, her hands trembling, she dropped the letter into the post box. She hoped she'd be too hung over the next day to remember she'd sent it.

She wasn't. She spent the day agonizing over what the girl would think of the letter, of her. She worried, she cried, and she drank. Then she did something very, very stupid. She drove.

She drove towards the beach. She wanted to wait for the tide to change on the beach. But she never made it to the beach.

She drove off the road at 80 miles an hour.

Alex recognizes the handwriting the minute she sees the letter. She stares at it for a second, contemplating whether the letter will break her heart all over again. It's like a Pandora's Box to all the memories of her and Marissa. She knows the minute she starts to read it, it'll be like it was just yesterday they stood on that beach.

She gently tears the top of the envelope, and puts out the tattered letter. The paper is worn, almost soft to the touch. Alex takes a deep breath and sits down to read.

_Alex_

_I love you._

_I never stopped loving you._

_I was a fool. A scared, stupid fool. I was afraid to take the risk and fail. To get a job and get fired. To be bisexual and have my friends mock or abandon me. To stop relying on my parents money and end up poor. To give you my heart fully and lose you still. To not be enough for you._

_I'm still not sure I wouldn't have failed, but I should have been brave enough to take the risk. You were worth that. You are._

_I'm sorry. I hope you can forgive me someday._

_You still have my heart, even if you don't know it._

_Marissa_

Tears run down Alex's cheeks, but there's a small smile upon her lips. She closes her eyes and dials the number she knows by heart. She holds her breath as she waits for it to pick up.

"Hello?" the voice sounds confused and it's certainly not Marissa's. Shit.

"… I'm sorry, I must have the wrong number…" Alex says sadly as she prepares to hang up.

"Wait- this is Marissa Cooper's phone, are you one of her friends?" The voice asks quickly.

"Yes… why?" Alex asks surprised.

"She's at Orange Coast Memorial Medical Center. I'm Nurse Peters," the woman informed her.

"Oh my god…" Alex gasps quietly. "Is she ok?" She asks her voice urgent.

"She's in coma right now. We're not certain whether she'll wake up or not. We've been trying to contact her parents, but they're out of the country and we haven't been able to reach them. You wouldn't know any way to reach them, would you?" the Nurse asks.

"No, sorry I don't. What time do visiting hours end? I'll get there as quickly as I can," Alex says, her mind racing.

"8pm," the nurse replies.

"Ok, I'm on my way. Thank you," Alex says quickly as she hangs up and throws on her shoes.

Her hands shake a little as she drinks to the hospital, but she wills herself to calm down and be brave. She doesn't remember most of the drive, just the moments before she saw Marissa lying in the bed. She ran from her car to Marissa's room, pausing only for directions.

She halts at the door, as if entering the room makes it all real. Marissa looks so terribly fragile and pale. She smiles slightly when she notices that Captain Oats and Princess Sparkle are on Marissa's side table, watching over her. Alex takes a breath and slowly walks toward her. As she reaches the bed, she gently brushes a stray hair away from Marissa's face, and kisses her forehead.

"You were supposed to stay safe until I could come back and sweep you off your feet," She whispers, with a soft chuckle and a sad smile. She pulls a chair to the bed and holds Marissa's hand.

"We were both so young… I didn't understand how much I shook up your world. Coming out, living with me… it was a lot for you to get used to. I'm sorry I didn't see that," She tells Marissa softly.

Tears form in her eyes, and she bites her lip. "I'm sorry I wasn't able to protect you…" she whispers, her voice breaking. She starts to sob, and she curls into Marissa's side, holding her tightly.

Finally, exhausted from all the stress and sobbing, she falls asleep against Marissa.

When Nurse Peters finds Alex asleep, she simply covers Alex with a blanket. This seems to Nurse Peters to be the closest to family Marissa is going to get for now, and she's not about to take away anything that could be keeping Marissa fighting.

_Alex dreams of their first kiss, of the tide and waves. Of Marissa's smile and her head against her shoulder. Of the best first date she's ever had. She dreams that she can hold Marissa and never let go._

The sun hits Alex's eyes, and she wakes clutching Marissa tight. She notices Nurse Peters watching her and turns towards her.

"Morning," she says softly.

"Good morning," Nurse Peters replies as she goes to check Marissa's vitals.

Alex has been dreading asking this question, but she knows she has to. "Do you know what caused Marissa to go into a coma?" she asks hesitantly.

"She drove off the road going quite fast. Her blood alcohol was 0.24 when she arrived at the ER. That's three times the legal limit. That's pretty seriously intoxicated. I won't be surprised if the reason she went off the road was because she blacked out," Nurse Peters told her.

"Dear god," Alex whispered, stunned. Marissa had worried her with her drinking habits before, but this was clearly a very serious problem now. If she woke up, Alex was going to make sure Marissa got the help she needed. _When Marissa woke up,_ Alex corrected herself.

Nurse Peters left to finish rounds, and Alex didn't let her eyes leave Marissa as she guarded her.

"How could you do this, Marissa?" She whispered, "Can't you see how much we need you here?"

Alex ran her fingers over Marissa's hand, remembering the way it had felt when she first held her hand at the club. Alex found herself praying to a God she didn't know she believed in to bring Marissa back to her. "I would protect her… love her, keep her safe… I wouldn't allow myself to ever be jealous and angry ever again. I would treasure every moment with her, and never waste a second," She promises God.

"You have to fight" she tells Marissa, her voice strong and commanding. "I'm not finished loving you. You at least owe me another kiss on beach as the tide changes," She tells Marissa, emotions raging inside her.

Its then that Marissa's eyelids flutter.

Alex gasps, and squeezes Marissa's hand. Marissa's eyes meet Alex's.

"You're here," Marissa rasps, her voice so rough, it's barely audible.

"You gave me quite a scare. You're never allowed to do that again…" Alex scolds, but her voice reveals fear and relief at once.

"S'rry," Marissa rasps sincerely. "You're here because of the letter?" She asks, furrowing her brow.

"Yes," Alex admits. "Now will you please rest and stop worrying me?" She orders gently.

As Alex holds onto Marissa's hand tightly, unwilling to let her go for millisecond, she whispers, "I love you too, Marissa," and kisses her check.


End file.
